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- Bleached respite
Dear beautiful reader,
My childhood best friend, who I’ve known since we were practically 7, and I keep in touch by seeing if we’ve met in the astral realm. A couple of weeks ago, she DM’ed me saying she had a dream about me, that she went to my childhood house and hung out with me and my parents. Apparently, we all had bleached our hair— Mom and Dad included.
When I asked her in what context, she said: “I was running from a stressful part then came to your house for a nice break. It was also hilarious because your mom had y2k bleached hair.”
I replied: “Ah that’s good, at least we were a nice bleached respite.”
Though I didn’t have the same dream, aka we did not get to meet in the astral realm, I thought the words “bleached respite” felt pretty indicative of my life: I had just come back from an unexpected week-long trip from my parents’, who I hadn’t seen in over a year due to an amicable estrangement, because my city was literally on fire. I received the evacuation warning at 1PM and was gone by 2PM.
I couldn’t sleep, my face broke out. But I’m lucky to have my parents back in my hometown, just 30 minutes outside of LA, to run back to. Plus, it was really nice to see them after so long.
I had really missed them.
In addition, there was the emotionally dysfunctional play of the TikTok ban— then just in a few hours, there wasn’t. And though it’s only been roughly about two weeks with the current administration, living through neofascism on the daily is…something else, to the say the least. I’m thinking of all my trans friends, my immigrant friends, etc. and about this “Fuck ICE” shirt in my closet that I should whip out again right now, a shirt that I bought nearly five years ago, the first time around.
Needless to say— I was fried. Bleached.
So I decided to take the month off from writing. This was my much-needed bleached respite. Therefore, I don’t have any poems or stories to share this month.
Most of my priority was just making sure I felt sane: I stayed off social media, screen time down to an hour. Took all my data off Facebook and cancelled my Amazon Prime. I rested deeply. I went swimming and cooked a lot. I painted and painted my sorrows away. Then painted some more. (I just finished my second piece!! Which you can see soon on my Instagram. Currently building my portfolio website too.)
It seemed silly and trivial to be painting so much, but I often reminded myself: the opposite of depression is not joy, it’s expression.
If you’re an artist, or even if you’re not, please know your expression, your art is now more needed than ever before. Your art, your joy, your rest is part of the revolution. With that all being said, I’m feeling radically optimistic again. It was also truly beautiful to see the city come together so quickly and see all the national and local activism going on. (I needed an excuse to stop shopping at Target anyways.)
I swear, I’m ready for the revolution, just tell me when, y’all, I’ve got my picket signs.
Also I turn 31 in 10 days! Which feels like a revolution in and of itself. In my early to mid twenties, there was definitely a time I didn’t think I’d make it past 27. So I am exceptionally proud of who I’ve become— a returning of thy true self— and all the hard work, mainly all the internal work, I’ve done. I feel beautiful, look beautiful, and am finally doing and creating all that I ever wished to do as a little girl.
The most celebratory part of it all? I know I am just beginning.
Alright, I’ll see you next month— I intend on bleeding on my keyboard for days on end, to return with a story on the war against my body or perhaps, big friendship? I’ll let my intuition guide me.
Until then, here are some personal recommendations to munch on:
Book
Good Morning, Monster by Catherine Gildiner
Why you should read:
My talent manager and sister friend Tati, who loves my writing, recommended this to me! It’s written by a therapist who shares these incredibly inspiring but extremely harrowing journeys to healing from five trauma survivors. *MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING! Do not read this before you sleep. It has rape, incest, pedophilia, extreme brutality, etc.
I had nightmares when I did, but I really loved it and there are some life-changing insights that I think would awaken anyone. I wept uncontrollably, I laughed. If you like my writing, this has a similar psych self-help memoir style vibe to it. I read it in two days, which was me savoring it, and related a lot to the first and last stories (sad).
Movie
The Last Showgirl with Pamela Anderson
Why you should watch:
I am simply living for the renaissance Pamela Anderson is going through right now. I read her memoir when it first came out and instantly became a big fan of her. The world owes her an apology. I had heard a lot of buzz about this film through film festivals so when it came to my theater, I had to go see it. I’m not a huge film/TV watcher so it means a lot when I pay actual money and go out to see a movie. I still anticipated on not enjoying it, but to my surprise, I loved it.
It was simple and not overly done. It reminded me of my favorite A24 films (probably the Coppola touch?). I was going through some mother stuff at the time and the surprising mother-daughter story moved me to tears. I felt like my own mom was speaking to me through Pamela.
I am looking forward to seeing more of Pamela on the big screen.
Music
Scorsese Baby Daddy by SZA
Why you should listen:
As a rock girlie, I love the grungier sound of electric guitar in smooth genres like R&B. This catchy guitar riff with SZA’s emotive vocals is absolute ear candy. Although I can’t relate to a lot of her music, I do respect and support her art so much! (And I loooved the Asian male representation in her Snooze music video hehe.) I just saw One of Them Days too— Issa, Keke, and SZA definitely are a part of my dream blunt rotation. Anyways, this song has been on repeat, blasted with windows down, in my car.
Drink
Double Matcha by Stagger Coffee
Why you should drink:
I, along with the rest of TikTok it seems, have been on a matcha kick lately, even though after healing trauma, my body can’t handle any caffeine anymore lol. If you live in LA, stop by K-town for this sweet cream top ceremonial-grade matcha latte. They serve it with house-made Tahitian vanilla syrup. I ask for the bottom half, the latte portion, to be unsweetened, though because I don’t like super sweet things. I usually get one before my daily swim as a lil treat, and might get one today! Drool.
My personal favorite stories I’ve written
Revisit my previous writing
Please write me any of your recommendations! Also I just realized that some of your replies go to my SPAM inbox?!?! Sob. I always write back, so if you write me and don’t get a response, I’m not ignoring you! Please write me again at contactamyylee@gmail.com
I’m dying to hear from you!
Mucho luv & hugs,
Amy
Thank you for reading To Be Seen & Safe!
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