Everything you want is on the other side of fear, part two

While having dinner with my sister friend and co-manager Tati, I found myself sitting with an old version of myself. For many years, I built high walls and a moat, with menacing alligators to match, to keep all the bad guys out. These walls, my moat, and alligators all seemingly kept me safe from anyone who I thought who potentially break my heart. But what I failed to realize was: they also kept all the good people out, too. I never let anyone romantically through, therefore never risking the fear of being seen and loved. These walls isolated my already-barren heart.

Having been through some very difficult trauma herself, it was easy for me to understand why and empathize with how, at 30 years old, she had never had a boyfriend. She was telling me how she started seeing someone new recently, and we began discussing her fears. She, too, had a fortress and a moat around her heart. Her vault was made of steel, and understandably so. I wanted nothing more for her to open that shit up, because I believe she, like anyone else in the world, deserves to be wholeheartedly loved and to love.

“I told him, ‘listen, I don’t trust men usually. I have a hard time opening up.’ I said, ‘I agree we are getting along so well, I’m not ever usually this invested or actually interested in someone, since I don’t trust men’—” She was going on, until I interrupted her.

“How many times have you said that? That you ‘don’t trust men’?” My eyebrows narrowed.

She leaned back and her eyes did a loop around the room, “Oh, man… Quite, quite a few times.”

“Stop saying that!”

“Why!” She shrugged nervously, “It’s just the truth!”

I put the chopsticks down to my delicious bowl of Taiwanese beef noodle soup and tried to explain. She was wearing an orange-and-navy bomber jacket. 

“Tati, what if I said, ‘listen, I’m having a great time with you, eating this soup, because you know, I usually don’t trust anyone who wears orange-and-navy bomber jackets. I’m actually really invested in you, how crazy is that? Since I never trust anyone who wears orange-and-navy bomber jackets.” I paused, “I never ever trust anyone in orange-and-navy bomber jackets!”

“Oh my god. Is that what I sound like?” She gasped. “That is very, very weird.”

“Yeah! And now don’t you feel like there’s a reason for you to be sus? You, a very trustworthy person!”

“Yikes. You’re right. I’ll stop saying that.”

“Words are spells, Tati. Even if he is an amazingly trustworthy guy, we’re constantly speaking things into existence. He’s gonna start to think, ‘man… should I not be trusted?’